Let's Talk, Baby

Starting a brand new post after being gone for 4 months is like chartering a boat to an undiscovered land.

I'm not sure what exactly to say.  

The last four months have been an up and down battle.

Let's start with the reason why I stepped away from my blog in the first place.  I got pregnant.  

Getting pregnant was a battle in itself.  I have always been fertile Myrtle when is comes to pregnancy and so when we decided to try again for baby #3 we didn't think we would have to try for very long.  Seriously, every pregnancy before this, first month, no trying, no counting, no anything.  Pretty much I got a look from my hubs and that was it.  Unfortunately this was not the case for this round.

During the first couple months of trying to get pregnant my time was filled with doing the play "Annie" so the lack of pregnancy didn't bother me too much since I was soooo busy.

But then...the play ended, and still no pregnancy.  I went back to the daily life before the play, and things were fine.  My oldest daughter was going to ballet once a week and all other time was filled with blogging, daily chores, and spending time with family.  All in all, the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant didn't stress and frustrate me as much as it could have.  We just kept on trucking, saying it will happen when it's supposed to.

Around month six of trying I had an annual doctors appointment.  I mentioned that we had been trying for awhile and nothing had happened yet, even though it had been so easy before.  The doctor said everything was most likely fine and that if we hadn't gotten pregnant after a year then we should look at taking some other action.

I went home feeling a little defeated.  It wasn't exactly the answer I was looking for.  I was ready for action NOW but, doctor usually knows best, so I squared my shoulders and put on a happy face.  

The next month came along.  Every month before this, I'd had my husband buy some pregnancy tests on the way home from work.  And every month I took what seems like at least 3 pregnancy tests.  I always ended up taking one too early because I was too anxious to wait.  Then another around the right time and another a while after.  We had gone through 18 pregnancy tests.  This month was no different.  I took one too early...nothing.  I usually didn't get too frustrated after the first one, knowing if I was pregnant that it probably wouldn't show anyway.  

Then a few days later I took another....and I thought I saw the very very faintest of lines.  I showed it to my husband.  "There is no line" he says.  I knew more than anything he didn't want me to get my hopes up when there probably wasn't anything really there.  However, I wanted a second opinion, so I asked my friend if she could see the line.  It was a positive, if not tentative, yes verdict.  But that wasn't enough, I needed a third opinion, so I asked another friend.  Another tentative yes.

As soon as I got home I told my husband I wanted him to pick up another pregnancy test on the way home the next day.  This time I wanted one of those tests that actually say "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant".  That way there would be no guessing.

Let me just say the time waiting from that evening to the next day when he got home from work was pretty unbearable.  Why didn't I just go and get one myself?  I really don't know.  Because I'm ridiculous.

He walked through the door, I grabbed the test, and a few minutes later I had my answer.  Can you guess what it was?

I knew I thought I saw a line!  And this "Pregnant" answer in the test window confirmed it.

Finally, that was that.  

Enter the reason I stepped away from blogging.  Around week 7 it hit me, the dreaded...morning sickness.

I knew it was coming.  I have had it for every pregnancy.  I knew how hard it was going to be.  With my last baby, I went through such terrible morning sickness that I got depressed and started seeing a counselor.  The unfortunate thing about morning sickness for me is that I never throw up, it is just a constant horrid feeling, never ending, some times of the day a little less worse than others.  

So, I knew that I would step away from the blog for awhile.  I didn't feel like myself and knew whatever content that went up would be mediocre and pretty much about random nothingness.  Not much was going on with me (other than being sick and laying down all the time) so nothing much would have gone on for the blog.  (However, I do regret not leaving in a more graceful way.  I pretty much just fell off the face of the earth and left no reason and no explanation and I am sorry for that.)

It felt like my morning sickness went on, and on, and OOOON!  Finally around week 14 it started to subside and I could see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.  

My husband and I had a scheduled vacation without the kids on my 16th week.  I decided I would wait until after we got back, and life began again, to continue my blog.

Two days after our vacation on July 2nd I made a post to Facebook (some of you may remember) saying that I was ready to get back to the blog and I was going to be talking about my absence.

Then, on July 3rd, our world came crashing down.  At 17 weeks along we had a routine doctors appointment.  We learned that our baby had passed away at 15 1/2 weeks.  The initial devastation was overwhelming but nothing compared to what would come in the next few days.

We came home not knowing what was going to happen. I kept thinking "But we made it past 12 weeks, we were supposed to be safe."  I did some research of what would happen if you were that far along.  I didn't like the answers, so for the rest of the day I tried to remain blank.  That's the best way to describe it.  It made it easier.

After a phone call from our doctor we learned that because the miscarriage happened further along it meant that a standard D&C (which I have had before) was not an option, that because of the size of our baby we would have to go through labor and delivery.  

I was so scared.

How was I supposed to be able to handle this, how was I supposed to see this baby and give birth to this baby and not get to keep it?  How was I supposed to cope with it all?  I had so many questions in my head, I had so many worries.

The scared feeling ebbed a little when we got to the hospital that night.  Perhaps that seems backwards but, it was like this huge thing hovering over my head was no longer a big question.  The nurses were so compassionate and explained what would happen and answered any questions we had.  But more than any of those things, my husband was able to give me a priesthood blessing.  I believe it made all the difference.  It kept me sane, it kept me together.

The next morning on July 4th we had a baby boy.  An absolutely perfect baby boy.  We held him, spent time with him, loved him, and grieved. 

It has been over 5 weeks since we gave birth to our son.  Although time has been the best healer, the sadness still finds me.  When I see a stranger with their new baby, particularly if it's a boy, I remember it all too well.  Sometimes, I get angry that they got to have their baby and I didn't.

But even in the face of adversity I find joy.  I find joy in those close to me that are having babies.  Strangely, my friends having babies gives me joy not sadness.  Maybe I'm so happy, that they get to keep their happiness, that I will get to see the joy I know they will get from their babies.  Whatever it is, I'm so thankful that joy is what I feel for them, and not anger.

I'm feeling more myself each day and we are taking on new endeavors as a family.  I'm enjoying things again that I haven't in the last 4 months.  I'm looking forward to more decorating, diy'ing, sewing, and learning new recipes for our changing life style (more on that later).

I'm even working on a nursery for a friend right now (more on that later, too).  A very close friend who's due date happens to be a week after mine was.  I do think about how much fun it would have been to be pregnant buddies but, I'm happy they get to have their wonderful baby and I'm happy that I get to be there to see them experience it all for the first time.  It doesn't hurt that I get to decorate too.

So, all that being said (and it was a lot) the blog will continue.  Perhaps a little differently than before but, continue it will.  

Thank you to everyone who has kept an eye out all this time.  I am so thankful for you.